Metrogeeksual

We are living in a brand new world, people. A world that is constantly changing. A world where women and men are constantly changing. And how are we supposed to keep up with every single member of the ever-evolving populace unless we categorize? Yes my friends, categorization makes the world go round. We do it with cars, beers, clothes and condoms, so why not people?

Categories. It's a fun new game where adults can lump people, mainly men, into groups and call it a funny name ending in -sexual or something of the like. They are classified based on two criteria: Looks, because let's be honest, looks really do matter; and Attitude. The beginning of this movement started with the creation of the metrosexual. I don't know what friggin' genius came up with this but I love them for it. They are generally considered the homo-sapiens of this entire movement along with their gay counterparts, the homosexual. In this day where metrosexuals and ubersexuals are running rampant on the streets and on television, what would one more classification hurt?

On a recent night out on the town, my girlfriends and I discovered a new breed of man. Instead of grabbing our nets, trapping him, locking him up in a cage, pinning his wings, dissecting him and placing him in a glass box for all to see, it seemed easier and much more legal if we simply placed him into a new classification of man. He was dubbed "The Metrogeeksual" by one of my classy n' sassy friends. All the signs of your typical metrosexual are apparent. He's got the pink polo with rolled up sleeves, the blue jeans (with the token dick whiskers, mind you) held up by a never worn black belt, the gelled hair of course, the Kenneth Cole designer shoes, and a snazzy little blazer to boot. There's just one thing awry: give this boy a pocket protector, a Mensa membership and a 3-disc Star Wars DVD set 'cause he's a flaming nerd. He's metro, he's geeky, he's sexual; he's metrogeeksual. He's the hottie that works the counter at your neighborhood coffee shop. He's the guy in your English Lit class that always has his hand raised and wears tortise-shell glasses. He looks like he might be in the band Weezer. He's the real-life equivalent of Seth Cohen from the OC and I'm proud to announce that he's the new "It" boy. A friend of mine, a crazy lady I'll call Kathleen, actually went on a lunch date with a metrogeeksual recently and said it was quite enjoyable despite less than high expectations. That's the thing about the metrogeeksual, he doesn't invite you for drinks in hopes that you'll get trashed and go home with him. He wants to lunch with your ass. He's into your mind ladies, and what better way to get to know you than while munching on a turkey panini, side salad and a diet coke! That is if you can bear to hear about the 100GB Ultra ATA hard drive he just repaired. He may be geeky but he's a keeper.

Here are some other male species you might have run into:

Kleptosexual: Guy who sleeps with you then steals money and other things of value from your dresser drawer. If you still have your virginity, he'll steal that too. He uses the money he makes from your stuff to buy drugs & hookers.

Nastycreepsual: This man says inappropriate things to women in public. His signature move is known as the "eye-rape". These men can be found at your local BP Station, Wal-Marts, construction sites and on COPS reruns. Jose or Leonard is usually their name, and ass cracks and mullets are their game.

Fraternisexual: He's a true blue frat boy from his visor all the way down to his Rainbow flops. He's got a beer gut, a pledge that needs hazing and a 3.9 cumulative GPA. He'll have you swingin from the top bunk of his dorm room faster than you can say "kegstand".

Metallicasexual: Leather is his fabric of choice and he smells and tastes like stale cigarettes. He plays air guitar at inappropriate times, he growls at small children, wears more eyeliner than you, and is the lead singer of a band called Snakeliver. His bandmates hit on you and his groupies send you hate mail. Rock & Roll!

Dryhumpsual: He's a hottie and he seems normal at first, but as soon as he gets you back to his place, he's riding you like an unneutered Shi Tzu on your favorite Carebear.

Homelessexual: Not to be confused with the homosexual. This man is actually homeless and wee-weeing in a yard near you. He's also wearing that pair of undies you threw in the trash two weeks ago. So technically, he's already gotten in your pants.

Geriatricsual: You've got a bad case of Senioritis and it's not the kind you had in high school. So what if he's old enough to be your dad? You're about to go Anna Nicole on his ass ("Ya like my body?"). He's sexy, he's silver, he's seasoned and you love it! So pop a Geritol and plug in the catheter 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy, grumpy ride!

Neighborstalkersexual: He thinks you're "friends", he thinks it's okay to come and borrow butter at 12:00 at night, he wears a sweater, but he ain't no mister rogers and you sure as hell ain't singin' "Oh won't you be my neighbor." The only song you're singin' these days is Sting's "I'll be watching you" because it's been going full blast ever since the bastard moved in. Is he trying to send you a message? You bet your crappy hour lovin' ass he is. So stop the insanity before he starts cutting himself and boiling bunnies; that's an order.

Restraining order, that is.

Jewsexual: He's a hottie! He may have missed the final callback for a role in Schindler's list but he always has a role in your heart. He's your all American Jewish cutie pie and he's so hot you'll be speaking yiddish once he's done with you. But don't get too attached, his mother'll never let him marry a common shiksa. Oy Vey!

Please send me any new classifications you might have! Up next.... It's the girls turn! Are you a skankosexual or a superbitchual?