Tis the season to be skanky

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys of all ages, it's that time of the year again! A time for us to be thankful for all of life's blessings. A time to celebrate the close of another year gone by. A time to gather hand in hand with our closest friends, beloved family and dearest loved ones - just don't forget the hand sanitizer, Uncle Eddie's been scratching his crotch. So go ahead and pull down the ornaments from the attic, hang all of the stockings by the chimney with care, dust off the dreidel and bring your slutty Mrs. Claus outfit out of hibernation because we're putting the "HO" back in the holidays this year. That's right! The Christmas season is upon us and everyone is letting go of their inhibitions this year....again. Great Grandma Jean has got on her puff paint christmas sweatshirt that you made for her circa '86 and she's tossing back more than a few whiskey drenched servings of egg-nog; Aunt Carol is laid out atop the baby grand a' la Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys, croonin' Silver Bells like some kind of retarded cow in heat; Grandpa Wilson just snuck upstairs to do the deed with his new 32-year-old girlfriend; and Uncle Jerry just went out to the tool shed to smoke some doobies and look at your dad's stash of nudie mags. Yep! The holidays - or the HO-lidays as I like to call them-are in full effect! You didn't think Santa was screamin' out "Ho" from the rooftops for the hell of it did you? Legend has it that this was actually Old St. Nick's shout out to all the big booty hoes across the land. Now it is up to us, The Ladies of the (Silent) Night to keep our big booties shakin' and to keep the crazy ass Christmas spirit alive! I'd much rather be naughty than nice. Wouldn't you?

Ladies, there are small slutty things that you can do this year to truly make the season bright. And what better place to kick up your six-inch patent leather heels and ring in the HO-lidays than your company Christmas party?

Here are a few saucy ideas to help you liven up this otherwise humdrum HO-liday season:

- Opt not to drink the company spirits, instead bring your own traveler-sized bottle of whiskey and drink straight from there. Occasionally pour some into the egg-nog.

- When you see the CEO's wife in the bathroom, don't forget to tell her you would "totally do" her husband if he wasn't already taken.

- When the band plays a rockin' song, pull a Tawny Kitaen and ride the hors d' ouvres table like you're in a Whitesnake video. When you've put all of your clothes back on, ask the band if they know how to play "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground.

- Freak dance with Bob from accounting. After that, freak dance with Bob's wife.

- Dangle mistletoe over your right boob and see if there are any takers; better yet, come dressed Adam & Eve-style in nothing but mistletoe pasties.

- Give a coworker a vibrator as their Secret Santa gift.

- Whenever someone takes a picture, shield your face and scream "Stay away from me you paparazzi slime!"

- Get on the mike and announce that it's time for all "da nasty bitches in da house" to get on the floor and do the Electric Slide.


If you're not too hungover after the Christmas party, try out some of these:

- Have your picture taken on Santa's lap at the mall (Extra points if you shove a small child out of line). Whisper something naughty in Santa's ear and then hand him the following list, verbatim and in a child's handwriting (backwards e's and r's and all):

My Christmas List

Money

Fame

Drugs

Power

Your Body, Santa

- Tell an elf you'll pay him $50.00 if he humps your leg. Subsequently ask him if he was ever a member of The Lollipop Guild.

- Find an attractive couple while out shopping. When the wife isn't looking, run up to the man, pat him on the butt and say "Where's my gift?" When the woman turns to look say, "Oh, I guess you didn't tell her about us."

- Replace the Virgin Mary with a blow-up doll at your local nativity.

- Put a penis on your snowman.

- Instead of milk and cookies, leave Santa a forty and a pack of Marlboro Reds.

- Make a Christmas sweater that says "I'm Santa's bitch"

- Instead of fruitcake, give all of the neighbors pot brownies.

- Spell out "Slut" in Christmas lights in the front yard of your arch-enemy.

- "Do It" under the Christmas tree.

- Go a' wassailing. I don't know what wassailing is, but it sounds naughty.

- Find out who this Good King Wenceslas fellow is and get his phone number. He sounds like a hottie with a big bank account.

- Put a red light on your chimney so that Santa knows where the action is.

- Start a new tradition in your neighborhood - Caroling For Booze. Extra points if someone vomits on a lawn ornament.

- When it's your turn to ring the bell outside of your local grocery, put a sign that says "For Blow Jobs" on your red donation canister. Exchange it from time to time with another sign that says "Beer/Drug Money."

Merry Christmas to one and all! Be sure to leave a comment with any of your own randy HO-liday ideas!