It's me again Margaret....

I'm baaaaa-aaaaack.

Yes, I have heard your prayers and I am proud to announce that my hiatus (or high-anus as I like to call it, although mine is pretty low) is finally over. I have slowly emerged from my darkened, sin-filled cocoon to spread my legs, err... wings and face a world that was much more decent after I left. Now I'm back to filthy up your lily-white lives once again. Get ready bitches.........Muahh-ha-ha!

So, a lot has changed since last we spoke. A lot. Well nothing has changed except that I live in a different city now, I had my Boy George tattoo removed from my upper thigh and finally got rid of that stinkin' bastard Tony that used to slap me around. P'toey!! (that's me spitting on Tony's dead body). Tattoo's & domestic violence aside, I truly think Charleston is one of the most beautiful cities in the world, full of culture, class and history. These are all things which I am drawn to, especially class, seeing that I am one classy be-otch. As I drive home every night, exhausted from my day, I ride over the statuesque Ravenel Bridge and watch the beautiful sun setting over the Charleston Harbor and think to myself, I'm so lucky. I also watch the homeless people fucking under the bridge as I near the bottom and I think to myself, I'm still so lucky. I've got a great new job. And a great new boyfriend. And a new roomate. And I've been a little irregular but I'm taking Metamucil to fix that. And I just bought a new hair dryer. And I have a teeth cleaning next week that I'm going to have to reschedule because that's the only day my hairdresser could fit me in. And my neighbors have loud sex and it bumps against my wall and wakes me up at night. And I stole the stapler off my cubicle mate's desk at work yesterday, put a booger on it and placed it back. And I've started wetting the bed again. And that's me in a nutshell.

Speaking of nuts, lots of DILF's in Charleston. What's a DILF you ask? Oh you know a DILF. Think, Brad Pitt toting that little asian kid on his shoulders. Or Ben Affleck pushing the stroller down the street in his dad sweats. Or Jude Law playing soccer in the park with his children and sneaking away to pinch the nanny on the ass. Ladies and gentleman, introducing: The "Dad I'd Like to Fuck". Not to be confused with the DILFO, The "Dad I'd Like to Fart On". Hot mom's are so two years ago. "Stacy's Mom" entered rehab after a major painkiller addiction and no longer has it "going on". Britney Spears is a raunchy whore and pretty much ruined it for the rest of the hot moms, which has made way for the dad's to make their biggest comeback since the 80's: Dr. Jason Seaver (show me that smile again, oh show me that smi-ile!), My Two Dads, Tony Micelli, Michael Hogan, Papa Smurf, Wha-wha wha-what? I'd totally hit that! Yes, the DILF's are back with a vengeance and they are most certainly thriving here in beautiful Charleston. Everywhere I look there's a naughty DILF looking right back. Grocery store, DILF! Laying out on the beach, DILF! Shopping at the mall, DILF! Driving down the road, DILF! Watching the neighbor mow the lawn next door, DILF! Staring into the neighbor's window at night as he sleeps, DILF! Getting hauled off by the cops for trespassing and voyeurism, DILF! Awaiting trial in court as DILF and his wife testify against me, DILF! Receiving the restraining order that DILF has placed against me, ........... no more dilf :-(

If you truly want to dive head first into the world of DILF stalking, then head to the grocery store. That's right! DILF's can be found en masse at your local market with a laundry list of food to-do's written out by their wives, (in Wisconsin accent)"Pick me up some tampons, why don't ya honey!" The grocery store is a great place to see them on display and witness their DILFness in a natural habitat, sans their homebody honeys. Like wild animals grazing upon the African plain, they move in herds around the store according to their omnivorous preferences. Lazy DILF's can be found in the freezer section choosing which Hungry Jack meal will be that night's dinner, picking up a few Kid Cuisine's for the youngins. Meat & three baby! Meanwhile, hottie health nut DILFs roam the produce section, picking up sexy mystery vegetables like arugala and rhubarb. Hippie DILF's head straight for the organic isle to find the latest and most Zen tofu creation. You are what you eat dude! GrandDILF's (father's of DILF's) can be seen scoping out the bran or the depends aisle, while the new DILF's can be found picking out diapers too, baby diapers that is. On a rare occasion, they can be found shopping with their wives/children but these are usually the dorkier variety of DILFs. The true hotties go it alone. A DILF will always check you out, whether his wife is around or not (Mexicans not included). Say you are perusing the salsa, a DILF might find a reason to look at the Taco Shells even though his wife clearly pointed out that it is not on the list. Then as the wife walks away, he gives you the head-to-toe scope out and then walks away himself. And there you have it. DILFtacular. Taco night anyone? Don't mind if I do......

Many more posts to come! Prepare to be amazed (by my retardedness) in 2007!

Love yall,
Tallulah