The American Resolution

So the holidays are finally over (sigh!). To be quite honest with you, I'm not the biggest Christmas fan. I've always considered myself to be more of a Halloween girl; dress up in a slutty costume, get the crap scared out of you, hand out candy to those midgets that come and ring your doorbell. They are midgets, aren't they? Anyway, I know you'd probably think the contrary seeing as I wrote what felt like twenty Christmas posts (okay it was just two but I'm feeling dramatic) and posted festive pictures of my friends and I decked out in full holiday regalia, but to be quite frank; the holidays do me in. Sure, Jesus is cool and all, Santa is fun and fat, Christmas parties rock and I like getting gifts, but I am SO ready for January to get here. After all, it's a well-known fact outside of the god-fearing, non-drinking, church-going set that Christmas is just a layover on the flight to Drunkardsville, otherwise known as New Years Eve. Oh how I love thee New Years Eve!! Any event that requires you to get wasted and kiss a stranger, I'm there! Okay, so you don't have to kiss a stranger but it's more fun that way. It gives the night that whole Cinderella ambiance of having to find a hottie to kiss by midnight. And the Cinderella theme usually works out quite well considering that by the time the clock strikes twelve, I've lost a slipper, my car is looking more and more like a pumpkin, my clothes have become rags, my driver has turned into a rat, and my fairy godmother comes in the form of the girl holding my hair back as I puke. Such is the beauty of New Years Eve! However, for as much as I love New Years Eve, the dream of what it should be has eluded me year after year.

I know everyone says, "I have never had a good New Years Eve". The idea that New Years Eve always sucks is one Oprah special away from being totally cliche, but it's so true. I have never had the mind-blowing, gut-wrenching, balls-to-the-wall New Years Eve blowout of lore. Of course, do you know anyone who has? I don't. And I think we just assume everyone else is having a blast because that's what New Years Eve is supposed to be, but guess what? They're not. Every year we're all sucking it up in unison, my friends. Do you think those assholes in Times Square are having fun? Hell no. They're cold and crammed in; the B.O. of every living, breathing New Yorker permeates the air; blinded by epic amounts of confetti, and not a port-a-potty in sight. And the only reason we think they're having fun is because they labeled it New Years "Rockin" Eve and Dick Clark is telling us they are, but they're not "Rockin". They are rotting in their own personal hell just like the rest of us. When you think about it, New Years Eve itself is a lot like the resolutions that we make; Grandiose ideas of what could be that never quite come to fruition. But every year I get excited, and every year I am once again disappointed. So in order to have the time of my life this New Year, I am just going to assume the worst. As we edge ever closer to December 31st, you won't hear any more "New Years Eve is gonna rock my friggin' face off" from this lady. No sir! But being realistic and totally honest with you, it doesn't take much for me to have a good time. As long as the bourbon is flowing and there's a pisser around, well I'll be just fine. And you? Well here's a toast, wishing you a happy.... I mean sucky New Year.

For 2006 can we just cut the crap and face reality? Instead of making some impracticable resolution for ourselves, let's resolve to do the things that we really want to do in the upcoming year. Here are my resolutions in no particular order:

1. Stuff myself stupid with the fattiest foods known to man and beast alive.

2. Begin the latest diet craze, "The Piss, Shit & Vomit Diet"

3. Obtain a patent for "The Piss, Shit & Vomit Diet"

4. Start my new workout regime, 1 sit-up and 2 burps a day.

5. Start smoking.......weed.

6. Stop talking shit about that nasty fat-ass ugly no-good bitch at the office. Did I forget to say skanky slutbag ho-dog?

7. Get back to my one true love....Geology.

8. I will not give out any more free lap dances.

9. Help others by volunteering at a nursing home. Find the richest son-of-a-bitch in there and force them to make me the sole proprietor of their estate. If they put up a fight, threaten not to bring them any more food (woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do).

10. Get my new self-imposed nickname, "The Juice", to catch on with all of my friends.

11. Bury the hatchet with an old nemesis. Well, I'll use the hatchet to bury the body and then afterwards I'll bury the hatchet, but only to hide the evidence, not because I forgive that bitch.

12. Find a new fuck-buddy.

13. Get some investors to finance my one-woman ice show, "The Whorecapade".

14. Officially change my name to Mike Jones.

15. Present my idea for Fag-Hag Barbie to the execs at Mattel. She comes complete with pink feather boa, an empty bottle of wine, tickets to a drag show and the dream of converting a homo. Queer Ken and In-The-Closet Skipper sold separately.

16. Personal Goal: Maddox Jolie-Pitt for president 2044. The campaign begins.

17. Start doing the gym thing. Oh! I didn't mean the gym gym, I meant the Jim that lives next door. I'm gonna start doing him.

18. Become a choreographer for an anything-goes all-male nude revue.

19. Stop yielding to pedestrians. Bike riding bastards!

20. Start a gang at work. "Yo don't make me hurt you wid' my stapler bitch-ass muh-fuckah!"

21. (singing) Do the hussle! Da da da da da-da dah da da da............

22. During introductions, refer to friends as "My distinguished colleagues"

23. Drink at least 4 - 5 dark liquor drinks a day. As the old saying goes "A liquor a day makes the pain go away!"

24. Start my own non-profit organization, Give Me Yo Money, Inc.

25. Put a new swing on the old proverb "If you love something, set it free" so that it speaks to women today:

If you have to fart on a random hookup, let it rip. If the guy comes back to bed, he's yours. If he doesn't, keep farting.

Happy New Year! Post any of your funny resolutions. See yall in 2006!

Tis the season to be skanky

Ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys of all ages, it's that time of the year again! A time for us to be thankful for all of life's blessings. A time to celebrate the close of another year gone by. A time to gather hand in hand with our closest friends, beloved family and dearest loved ones - just don't forget the hand sanitizer, Uncle Eddie's been scratching his crotch. So go ahead and pull down the ornaments from the attic, hang all of the stockings by the chimney with care, dust off the dreidel and bring your slutty Mrs. Claus outfit out of hibernation because we're putting the "HO" back in the holidays this year. That's right! The Christmas season is upon us and everyone is letting go of their inhibitions this year....again. Great Grandma Jean has got on her puff paint christmas sweatshirt that you made for her circa '86 and she's tossing back more than a few whiskey drenched servings of egg-nog; Aunt Carol is laid out atop the baby grand a' la Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys, croonin' Silver Bells like some kind of retarded cow in heat; Grandpa Wilson just snuck upstairs to do the deed with his new 32-year-old girlfriend; and Uncle Jerry just went out to the tool shed to smoke some doobies and look at your dad's stash of nudie mags. Yep! The holidays - or the HO-lidays as I like to call them-are in full effect! You didn't think Santa was screamin' out "Ho" from the rooftops for the hell of it did you? Legend has it that this was actually Old St. Nick's shout out to all the big booty hoes across the land. Now it is up to us, The Ladies of the (Silent) Night to keep our big booties shakin' and to keep the crazy ass Christmas spirit alive! I'd much rather be naughty than nice. Wouldn't you?

Ladies, there are small slutty things that you can do this year to truly make the season bright. And what better place to kick up your six-inch patent leather heels and ring in the HO-lidays than your company Christmas party?

Here are a few saucy ideas to help you liven up this otherwise humdrum HO-liday season:

- Opt not to drink the company spirits, instead bring your own traveler-sized bottle of whiskey and drink straight from there. Occasionally pour some into the egg-nog.

- When you see the CEO's wife in the bathroom, don't forget to tell her you would "totally do" her husband if he wasn't already taken.

- When the band plays a rockin' song, pull a Tawny Kitaen and ride the hors d' ouvres table like you're in a Whitesnake video. When you've put all of your clothes back on, ask the band if they know how to play "The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground.

- Freak dance with Bob from accounting. After that, freak dance with Bob's wife.

- Dangle mistletoe over your right boob and see if there are any takers; better yet, come dressed Adam & Eve-style in nothing but mistletoe pasties.

- Give a coworker a vibrator as their Secret Santa gift.

- Whenever someone takes a picture, shield your face and scream "Stay away from me you paparazzi slime!"

- Get on the mike and announce that it's time for all "da nasty bitches in da house" to get on the floor and do the Electric Slide.


If you're not too hungover after the Christmas party, try out some of these:

- Have your picture taken on Santa's lap at the mall (Extra points if you shove a small child out of line). Whisper something naughty in Santa's ear and then hand him the following list, verbatim and in a child's handwriting (backwards e's and r's and all):

My Christmas List

Money

Fame

Drugs

Power

Your Body, Santa

- Tell an elf you'll pay him $50.00 if he humps your leg. Subsequently ask him if he was ever a member of The Lollipop Guild.

- Find an attractive couple while out shopping. When the wife isn't looking, run up to the man, pat him on the butt and say "Where's my gift?" When the woman turns to look say, "Oh, I guess you didn't tell her about us."

- Replace the Virgin Mary with a blow-up doll at your local nativity.

- Put a penis on your snowman.

- Instead of milk and cookies, leave Santa a forty and a pack of Marlboro Reds.

- Make a Christmas sweater that says "I'm Santa's bitch"

- Instead of fruitcake, give all of the neighbors pot brownies.

- Spell out "Slut" in Christmas lights in the front yard of your arch-enemy.

- "Do It" under the Christmas tree.

- Go a' wassailing. I don't know what wassailing is, but it sounds naughty.

- Find out who this Good King Wenceslas fellow is and get his phone number. He sounds like a hottie with a big bank account.

- Put a red light on your chimney so that Santa knows where the action is.

- Start a new tradition in your neighborhood - Caroling For Booze. Extra points if someone vomits on a lawn ornament.

- When it's your turn to ring the bell outside of your local grocery, put a sign that says "For Blow Jobs" on your red donation canister. Exchange it from time to time with another sign that says "Beer/Drug Money."

Merry Christmas to one and all! Be sure to leave a comment with any of your own randy HO-liday ideas!