Playing Hooky

First off, I just want to say hello to all of my devoted readers in Portugal. That's right. According to my blog page statistical analyzer thingymajig, people in Portugal are reading my blog. I don't know any Portuguese but I do speak a little Spanish so, (in the most redneck voice ever) "Hoe-lah los blawg readers day Portugal!" Can you believe it? The sweet gospel has spread across the great Atlantic, intriguing the global masses with my crackhead-isms. Okay, so it may have only been one reader in Portugal and they probably clicked on my page by accident, but I'd still like to pretend that I have a rabid Portuguese fan base, kind of like David Hasselhoff in Germany. Maybe I just like the thought of a bunch of Portuguese people saying "Yall". I suppose I'll have to settle for just having readers in the Greater Carolinas (God love ya) and one loner in Miami (J.Lo? Is that you?). I guess we'll never know. It shall remain one of life's great mysteries along with, Who buys the Yoga Booty Ballet DVD's? Why would you name a gas medicine Beano? and What secrets are you hiding in those eyebrows Sandy Cohen? The world begs to know.

Something that was never in question was the fun that was had on St. Patty's day this year. As expected, it went off without a hitch. However, in an unexpected yet totally predictable turn of events, somebody (I'm not naming any names) decided to play the "Let's hook up with the guy I regretted hooking up with the first two times" game. Let's just say that this person (not that I know her personally or anything) was totally repulsed with herself for making the same mistake yet again, which is what I heard from a friend's-neighbor's-dog walker's-attorney's-web designer's-stepchild's-swim coach's-nail technician's-gay hairdresser. It got me thinking, why do we engage in meaningless hookups that we are destined to regret with people that we are destined to forget? Is it a waste of time, or for that one moment are we fulfilled? I think it's the excitement that keeps us coming back. The thrill of the moment when you decide "should I" or "shouldn't I" or not even deciding and letting the night and the alcohol guide you to your ultimate sinful end. Which brings me to point b. Alcohol. Without which 95% of random hookups would never occur. Also without which 95% of couples would not be dating. That's right. All of your friends' relationships are most likely the result of a drunken hookup. Just ask them and they'll tell you about the beautiful night that they got wasted, borrowed a condom from a homeless man, had wild animal sex in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot and thus, fell in love. Can't you hear the dove wings flapping? But maybe this is the proof that we're looking for. Now this may sound like the ramblings of a true alcoholic, but bear with me. Yes, alcohol makes us do stupid shit we would never normally do, but at the same time, alcohol makes us do shit we would never normally do! Tell someone how we really feel, dance like we've never danced, make a new bestest friend in the girls bathroom or talk to some hottie we'd never have the guts to talk to, HOOKUP! So possibly, quite possibly, alcohol can enable us in a good way if we don't let it consume us. Now I'm not saying that drunkenness + hookups = love, but maybe I'm saying that the hookups themselves are hit or miss and you never know if you don't seize the moment. So Carpay Deyum yall! Keep those raunchy and regretful makeout grope sessions coming fast and furiously! After all, without our nightmarish hookups, our non-single friends won't have anything to talk about. And that would be a shame.

Have you had the hookup from hell? Well I don't feel sorry for you because guess what? We all have. To help you cope with your bad decisions, here are some common hookup scenarios that might make you feel like you're not alone, even though you are, you pathetic single whore. Of course I'm kidding.

1. A Hookup Mom Would Be Proud Of:
So you've found yourself in bed with the sweet, the darling, the sugarcoated yet dreaded "nice guy." What's a girl to do? He's got everything going for him. He's cute, he's successful, graduated with a 4.0, goes to church every Sunday, he's about to take over his father's business and is a volunteer with the Special Olympics. Does he know he's lying next to Satan? He had to have known when you tried unsuccessfully to force him past first base. Regardless, his perfection is vomit worthy, as is the mint he left on your pillow and the "thank you" note he sent the next day. Gag!

2. An Officer & a Gentleman Hookup:
He has served our country overseas (bless him) and now you feel it is your patriotic duty to service him. One bad thing. Mid-hookup he starts having flashbacks from the war and he thinks there's "Charlie" hiding out in your closet. Luckily he has some grenades (your tampons) on hand to fend off the adversaries. All is quiet on the Western front until he hoists you over his shoulder in the middle of the night and hauls you out the front door screaming, "Fire in the hole! Fire in the hole!" at the top of his lungs. God bless America.

3. Nerd-tacular Hookup:
What came over you? Was it the Metrogeeksual vibes that were coming at you like gamma rays? Or was it what he called his "Shaft of Pure Energy" a.k.a. his Star Wars Lightsaber replica that he pulled out as soon as you got back to his place. Either way, he's probably charging $5 a pop right about now to The Fellowship (his fellow Lord of the Rings Book Club Members) for a whiff of your undies. Sniff sniff!

4. Grateful Hookup:
Last night he invited you on the road with him to follow the String Cheese Incident around the country and it seemed like a good idea. Now morning has come and you awake to find a mass of hair, acid bear tattoos, Sugar Magnolia playing on repeat, and the skinniest most malnutritioned body you have ever laid eyes (and, gasp! hands) on. His bed is simply a mattress & box spring on the floor, black light posters litter the wall and there are burn marks & bong water stains on the carpet. You should be panicking at this point, but all you can think about is how dreamy some Waffle House hash browns would be. Yes, you're still nursing a killer case of the munchies, my friend.

5. Get Me Outta Here Hookup:
Even in your drunken stupor, you knew it was a bad idea but you went home with him anyway. You slut! Now it's morning and you're facing the consequences of the previous night's actions. Your head and your crotch hurt, he's farting in his sleep, his Labrador Retreiver is staring you in the face and his sheets are dirty to boot. You'd rather have Edward Scissorhands stick a suppository in your ass than stay here one more godforsaken minute. You call every friend in your phone book but to no avail. You'd better make friends with that Lab because you're stuck bitch!

6. Pity Hookup Turned Bad:
Let's face it. He's so-so and well, you're a 10. Why not make some poor kid's lifelong dream come true? Good idea huh? Sure. At first. You can basically mold him into your beckon-call slave boy. "Do my dishes!" "Buy me that designer blouse!" "Make me the Queen of the Universe!" "Shoot yourself in the leg!" "Build me a time machine!" He does it all and with a smile. That is until you try to give him the boot. Then he goes all "Mark Wahlberg from the movie Fear" on your ass. You'll know you're in trouble when he carves "Nicole 4-Eva" on his chest, beheads your dog, and shows up at your maximum security house screaming "So let me in your fucking house!"

7. Bartender Hookup:
He's elusive, he knows how to make exotic beverages (by exotic I mean Gin & Tonic) , he calls cabs for drunk girls, breaks up fights, and there's something strangely sexy about the fact that you've only seen him from the waist up. Now you're back at his place and your looking to see the ac-shun from the waist down! There's only one problem. He's stupid. Not drunk stupid. Not goofy stupid. No, he is doesn't know long division stupid. That's right, he can serve a wicked cocktail but he can't even tell you who the first president was. He lacks virtually all basic knowledge. He even thought your name was 5411 8600 2123 6000. Yeah. That would be your credit card number. Stay behind that bar for as long as they'll let ya' buddy!

8. Inappropriate Comment Hookup:
You know those guys that always know the right thing to say and the right moment to say it? Well this is not that guy. He's completely offensive, vulgar, and tactless with possible mild retardation. But somehow, despite your high standards (see 1-7), he has made it past the velvet rope and into your apartment. You ignored the fact that he told you your ass looked "chunky". You also ignored the fact that he said you "look like crap" in the picture on your fridge. It was only after the racial slurs, the "women don't deserve rights" comment, and the cherry on top "Can I stick it in your butt?" that you could ignore no more.

9. Southern Fried Hookup:
Yeah beau! Woo-wee this one's a hot pa-tater! He's a Southern gent with a heart of gold. He drives a big ole truck, he opens doors & pulls out chairs just like his mama taught him, he even tells you you're "Tha pertiest thang" he's ever seen. You're starting to think you've got your own personal Matthew McConaughey until he takes you back to his place. This is not the place a man gets arrested for playing the bongos naked, this is the place where animal heads go to die. It's one thing to attempt some hanky-panky as his 8-pointer from 1989 and a raccoon he killed when he was five look on, it's another that he's whistlin' Dixie during the foreplay. It is at this point that you realize, unless you secede from his union and high tail it outta there, the South will rise again if you know what I mean.

10. Bipartisan Hookup:
Donkeys vs. Elephants. It may sound like a hot topic of debate in some beastiality chat room, but it's not. This is when 2 opposing political parties come together for a hookup, and it's hot! There's something sexy about a guy who doesn't share the same political views as you. Sexy until he wages a political debate with you as he tries to put his hands down your pants. You feed into him for a little bit and state your own views on abortion, capital punishment, the US Constitution, the war on terror and daily media bias. But when he calls in his roommate to mediate the debate, he has crossed the line. You're about to cut his filibuster short.

11. Confused Hookup:
You thought he was sweet, you thought he was stylish, you thought he was sensitive. You thought he was too good to be true! Well you weren't wrong. He is all of these things and more, and by more I mean "also likes penis". He's not into you, he's into those tickets to the Cher concert you bragged about. He's into your Culture Club record collection. He's into your fabulous shag carpet with matching draperies. He thinks you're sexy but only in a "I wanna put layers & highlights in your hair" kind of way. He may have kissed you passionately but it was only because he was imagining you were Josh Hartnett. It's not that he's misleading you so much as it's that your gaydar sucks. Now that you know the truth, invite him over to Feng Shui your apartment and touch up your roots.

12. Naked Hookup:
Not only is he a dryhumpsual (see YALL post #1-Metrogeeksual), but he has stripped down naked before the action has even started. You have not given him any indication that you want to have sex, but for some reason or another he finds it completely necessary to take every last stitch of his clothes off. Your world feels different now that you are seeing all of his earthly goods dangling about. It is only once he begins to do his trademark "Naked Dance" that you know your world will never be the same. All you can think is, "Who does this fucker think he is?"

13. Beast Hookup:
He looks like he might be the inspiration for Chewbacca. He's tall and bearded and burly, but in your drunken state, you wanted to climb him like a jungle gym and you did. In your sober state? You're questioning whether or not to call National Geographic to report a rare Bigfoot sighting. You observe him as he sleeps, and come to the conclusion that this is where opposable thumbs began. He growls and you quickly pretend to be asleep. If there's one thing you've learned from this hookup, it's that you never awaken the hibernating beast. Never.

14. Eurotrash Hookup:
You should have known better when he air-kissed you hello, but you're a sucker for an accent. His name is David (that's French "Dah-veed") and he claims to be a Bottega-Veneta model. He also hangs out with rock stars, smokes cloves and wears loafers without socks. He is uber-cool and has friends with names like Jean-Carlos, Sebastian, Mimi and Julian who come off like a Who's Who of the United Nations. By any other standards he would be considered gay, but because he's European, he somehow gets away with it. It's not until his tongue is shoved halfway down your throat that you find the irony in the whole situation: this is the worst "French" kiss you've ever had. Oui Oui!

15. The Re-Hookup:
You know you've reached a desperate level when you have to dig into the hookup archives and pull out an old raggedy piece of ass you've had before. He's just like you remembered. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Mostly just the bad. The weird whispers he makes "Do you like that?", the jackhammer pelvic thrusts, the clammy hands and the lizard-on-crack kissing. It's all there, and sadly, it becomes more endearing with each hookup. Just like some old leftover potato salad in the fridge, you'll keep it there for when you're hungry, but when it spoils you're gonna have to toss it like a bad habit.

16. Make Yourself At Home Hookup:
He's got everything going for him. That is until you get him back to your pad. Then he becomes the crusty roommate you never had, or wanted. You awake to the smell of him microwaving your last two breakfast Hot Pockets, watching Punk'd, and reading your US Weekly's. "You need to get milk at the store," he tells you. Then he grabs the newspaper and heads to your bathroom. "I'm going to be in here for awhile." When the clock strikes 3 p.m. and he still hasn't left you resort to the one fail-proof tactic that every girl should know about. "My mom just called, she's on her way over here." See ya.

Tell me about your own nightmarish hookups. If you leave a comment I promise to make fun of you.

You'll Never Get Me Lucky Charms

So there's something I've always wondered, and what better time of year to pose the question: What makes the Irish so lucky? Who is the person who actually gave them this title and why? Are they really that lucky? I mean, Colin Farrell just got out of rehab, Sinead O'Conner is still bald, Bono from U2 hasn't managed to save the world yet, and that chick in the Irish Spring commercials is still forced to bathe outdoors, so maybe they aren't so lucky after all. Except for Conan O'Brien, he rocks my face off. Now, I don't claim to be the expert on all things Irish. All I really know about the Irish I learned from Scarlett's father, Gerald "Paw" O'Hara, in Gone With The Wind, and that is that Yankee carpetbaggers are trash, Mrs. O'Hara keeps her jewels in the bottom left desk drawer, and that you should never get drunk & ride your horse. Seriously though, I'm sure the Irish are a very deeply rooted culture, but I can't help but think of them as a bunch of drunk pirates who end every sentence in "Arghhhh". Their grammar is not the best, always saying "me this" and "me that". Actually I me-self am part Irish so I guess the description fits. Arghhh. Although I must say, no such luck has ever found it's way to me (unless you count that time Mammy was able to make me a dress out of Mother's curtains during the war). I do believe the Irish generally have a zest for life and I'd like to think that I share that quality with my ancestors. Maybe it is their positive disposition that makes them so lucky. They know something the rest of us don't and that is that (a) Guiness is life (b) Never kick Mr. O'Donnelly's goat in the arse and (c) you make your own luck. Sort of like a Karma thing. You get back what you put out. So the moral of the story is that if you put out, you'll get lucky? Sounds good to me!

So maybe I'll channel my Irish roots this weekend as I partake in the debauchery of the local St. Patrick's Day celebrations. You didn't forget about St. Patty's day did you? In less than 24 nail-biting hours, we will experience the culmination of our last 364 days on Earth. St. Patrick's Day bitches. The one holiday a year that you can get drunk and pinch people for no reason. Okay, that's every day of the year but who's counting. So here's a quick history lesson for you, a little known fact, before he became a Saint, did you know Saint Patrick was a Pagan? I think that's why the holiday is the way it is. St. Patty became a Saint, but deep down he was a naughty freak like the rest of us. My kind of guy. Now I don't know if it's the funnels of green beer, the circa '95 "mad hatter" hats, all of the white trash that comes out of the woodworks to celebrate, or the public vomiting and urination, but something about St. Patrick's day turns everyone into a bunch of raging fools, me included. It has to be the most pointless celebration of the year, but by God if we don't all slap on our green, pop on our slinky clover head antennas, and drink ourselves into oblivion every March 17. I just hope you're ready. So you spilled a pint of Guiness all over you, got on stage and sang with the band, did an impromptu Irish jig in the middle of the street, and made out with a guy you met in line at the Port-O-Potty. It's cool. No one will remember. Not even you.

Doesn't it seem like everyone has their own holiday? The Irish, Secretaries, Jesus, Groundhogs, even George friggin' Washington. In light of this matter, I have sent a proposal to our president for his consideration of the following holidays:

(NOTE: I MADE SURE THESE WERE POLITICALLY CORRECT SO NO ONE WOULD BE OFFENDED)

Dec 14 - Teach A Kid How To Smoke Day.

Feb 2 - National Make Out With A Random Day - It doesn't matter who, just tongue em'.

Jan 6 - Black, Irish, Jewish, Gap-Toothed, Anorexic, Double-Jointed, Hazel-Eyed, Bad Breathed, Dyslexic, Chain Smoking, Funky-Chicken Dancing, Rootin-Tootin', Pistol-Shootin', High-Falutin', Teachers with Psoriasis Day.

Oct 30 - National Wear Socks With Sandals Day. Also known as Birkensocks Day.

The Muslim holy month of Ramadan will now be known as Rama-lama-ding-dan.

Feb 24 - Homos Are More Fun Than Lesbians Day.

Mar 3 - Put An Elderly Person To Work Day. Followed by.....

Mar 4 - Sexy Senior Day. Tell an old person just how hot they really are.

Jan 2 - What If N'Sync Hadn't Broken Up Day.

Dec 23-26 - Chrismaboobmukkah - Topless Christmas/Hanukkah celebration.

May 24 - National Change Your Voicemail To "Have A Blessed Day" Day.

August - National Talk To Your Teen About Sex Month.
September - National Teens Go Fuck Everything In Sight Month.
October - National Prevent Teen Pregnancy Month.

July 10 - National Call A Former Hookup With E.D. Day, in celebration of.....

July - E.D. Awareness Month

Nov 2 - Bring Your Fuck-Buddy To Work Day.

Jan 30 - Sussisudio! It's Phil Collins' Birthday today.

Casual Friday replaced by Pantiless Friday.

Oct 19 - Throw Fudge At Obese People Day.

Mar 19 - National Admit Desperate Housewives Isn't Really All That Great Day.

Aug 13 - Give An Ugly Friend A Makeover Day.

Aug 21 - Don't Bring Your Children Out In Public Day.

Change Easter to Peeps n' Cadbury Day. Similar to "Pimps n' Hoes" except you either dress as a large chocolate egg or a gooey retarded looking mass of pink marshmallow.

Feb 15 - Write An Anonymous Letter To Your Ex Saying "You Have AIDS" Day.

Dec 4 - Tell An African-American "Holla Back Shorty" Without Getting A Beatdown Day.

Mar 23 - Start Your Own Obscure Rock Band Day. My band is called The Tampon's Revenge, and we play progressive hardcore goth metal.

Feb 20 - Sing The "I've Got Lance In My Pants" Song Day.

Apr 27 - Hunters Become The Huntees Day:

1. We send unarmed hunters into the darkened forests of America.
2. We supply the creatures of the wood with nets, traps, guns and plenty of ammo.
3. We watch in pure delight as total chaos ensues (insert evil laugh here).

Apr 4 - National Barbara Walters Day. You awre wequired to tawk wike Bawbah awl day wong.

June 27 - Answer Your Phone "Dr. McDreamy's Office" All Day Day

Nov 22 - Tell Your Friend She's A Whore Day.

June 16 - National Yeast Infection Hataz Day.

July 9 - Down some prescription medications, put on an old Nirvana Record, and burn a baby doll. Today is Courtney Love's Birthday.

The popular Mexican holiday Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) will be replaced by Dia de los Pedos Groseros de los Tacos Mexicanos (Day of the Raunchy Mexican Taco Farts).

Is there a holiday you've been dying to celebrate? Tell me about it. Leave a comment, and if you don't, as the Irish say: May your hens take the disorder, your cows the crippen and your calves the white scour! May yourself go stone-blind so that you will not know your wife from a hay-stack! No butter be on your milk nor on your ducks a web. May your child not walk and your cow be flayed. May you not see the cuckoo nor the corncrake. My curse on you and ruin to you, you lying thieving rascal. Happy St. Patrick's Day!