You'll Never Get Me Lucky Charms

So there's something I've always wondered, and what better time of year to pose the question: What makes the Irish so lucky? Who is the person who actually gave them this title and why? Are they really that lucky? I mean, Colin Farrell just got out of rehab, Sinead O'Conner is still bald, Bono from U2 hasn't managed to save the world yet, and that chick in the Irish Spring commercials is still forced to bathe outdoors, so maybe they aren't so lucky after all. Except for Conan O'Brien, he rocks my face off. Now, I don't claim to be the expert on all things Irish. All I really know about the Irish I learned from Scarlett's father, Gerald "Paw" O'Hara, in Gone With The Wind, and that is that Yankee carpetbaggers are trash, Mrs. O'Hara keeps her jewels in the bottom left desk drawer, and that you should never get drunk & ride your horse. Seriously though, I'm sure the Irish are a very deeply rooted culture, but I can't help but think of them as a bunch of drunk pirates who end every sentence in "Arghhhh". Their grammar is not the best, always saying "me this" and "me that". Actually I me-self am part Irish so I guess the description fits. Arghhh. Although I must say, no such luck has ever found it's way to me (unless you count that time Mammy was able to make me a dress out of Mother's curtains during the war). I do believe the Irish generally have a zest for life and I'd like to think that I share that quality with my ancestors. Maybe it is their positive disposition that makes them so lucky. They know something the rest of us don't and that is that (a) Guiness is life (b) Never kick Mr. O'Donnelly's goat in the arse and (c) you make your own luck. Sort of like a Karma thing. You get back what you put out. So the moral of the story is that if you put out, you'll get lucky? Sounds good to me!

So maybe I'll channel my Irish roots this weekend as I partake in the debauchery of the local St. Patrick's Day celebrations. You didn't forget about St. Patty's day did you? In less than 24 nail-biting hours, we will experience the culmination of our last 364 days on Earth. St. Patrick's Day bitches. The one holiday a year that you can get drunk and pinch people for no reason. Okay, that's every day of the year but who's counting. So here's a quick history lesson for you, a little known fact, before he became a Saint, did you know Saint Patrick was a Pagan? I think that's why the holiday is the way it is. St. Patty became a Saint, but deep down he was a naughty freak like the rest of us. My kind of guy. Now I don't know if it's the funnels of green beer, the circa '95 "mad hatter" hats, all of the white trash that comes out of the woodworks to celebrate, or the public vomiting and urination, but something about St. Patrick's day turns everyone into a bunch of raging fools, me included. It has to be the most pointless celebration of the year, but by God if we don't all slap on our green, pop on our slinky clover head antennas, and drink ourselves into oblivion every March 17. I just hope you're ready. So you spilled a pint of Guiness all over you, got on stage and sang with the band, did an impromptu Irish jig in the middle of the street, and made out with a guy you met in line at the Port-O-Potty. It's cool. No one will remember. Not even you.

Doesn't it seem like everyone has their own holiday? The Irish, Secretaries, Jesus, Groundhogs, even George friggin' Washington. In light of this matter, I have sent a proposal to our president for his consideration of the following holidays:

(NOTE: I MADE SURE THESE WERE POLITICALLY CORRECT SO NO ONE WOULD BE OFFENDED)

Dec 14 - Teach A Kid How To Smoke Day.

Feb 2 - National Make Out With A Random Day - It doesn't matter who, just tongue em'.

Jan 6 - Black, Irish, Jewish, Gap-Toothed, Anorexic, Double-Jointed, Hazel-Eyed, Bad Breathed, Dyslexic, Chain Smoking, Funky-Chicken Dancing, Rootin-Tootin', Pistol-Shootin', High-Falutin', Teachers with Psoriasis Day.

Oct 30 - National Wear Socks With Sandals Day. Also known as Birkensocks Day.

The Muslim holy month of Ramadan will now be known as Rama-lama-ding-dan.

Feb 24 - Homos Are More Fun Than Lesbians Day.

Mar 3 - Put An Elderly Person To Work Day. Followed by.....

Mar 4 - Sexy Senior Day. Tell an old person just how hot they really are.

Jan 2 - What If N'Sync Hadn't Broken Up Day.

Dec 23-26 - Chrismaboobmukkah - Topless Christmas/Hanukkah celebration.

May 24 - National Change Your Voicemail To "Have A Blessed Day" Day.

August - National Talk To Your Teen About Sex Month.
September - National Teens Go Fuck Everything In Sight Month.
October - National Prevent Teen Pregnancy Month.

July 10 - National Call A Former Hookup With E.D. Day, in celebration of.....

July - E.D. Awareness Month

Nov 2 - Bring Your Fuck-Buddy To Work Day.

Jan 30 - Sussisudio! It's Phil Collins' Birthday today.

Casual Friday replaced by Pantiless Friday.

Oct 19 - Throw Fudge At Obese People Day.

Mar 19 - National Admit Desperate Housewives Isn't Really All That Great Day.

Aug 13 - Give An Ugly Friend A Makeover Day.

Aug 21 - Don't Bring Your Children Out In Public Day.

Change Easter to Peeps n' Cadbury Day. Similar to "Pimps n' Hoes" except you either dress as a large chocolate egg or a gooey retarded looking mass of pink marshmallow.

Feb 15 - Write An Anonymous Letter To Your Ex Saying "You Have AIDS" Day.

Dec 4 - Tell An African-American "Holla Back Shorty" Without Getting A Beatdown Day.

Mar 23 - Start Your Own Obscure Rock Band Day. My band is called The Tampon's Revenge, and we play progressive hardcore goth metal.

Feb 20 - Sing The "I've Got Lance In My Pants" Song Day.

Apr 27 - Hunters Become The Huntees Day:

1. We send unarmed hunters into the darkened forests of America.
2. We supply the creatures of the wood with nets, traps, guns and plenty of ammo.
3. We watch in pure delight as total chaos ensues (insert evil laugh here).

Apr 4 - National Barbara Walters Day. You awre wequired to tawk wike Bawbah awl day wong.

June 27 - Answer Your Phone "Dr. McDreamy's Office" All Day Day

Nov 22 - Tell Your Friend She's A Whore Day.

June 16 - National Yeast Infection Hataz Day.

July 9 - Down some prescription medications, put on an old Nirvana Record, and burn a baby doll. Today is Courtney Love's Birthday.

The popular Mexican holiday Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) will be replaced by Dia de los Pedos Groseros de los Tacos Mexicanos (Day of the Raunchy Mexican Taco Farts).

Is there a holiday you've been dying to celebrate? Tell me about it. Leave a comment, and if you don't, as the Irish say: May your hens take the disorder, your cows the crippen and your calves the white scour! May yourself go stone-blind so that you will not know your wife from a hay-stack! No butter be on your milk nor on your ducks a web. May your child not walk and your cow be flayed. May you not see the cuckoo nor the corncrake. My curse on you and ruin to you, you lying thieving rascal. Happy St. Patrick's Day!